Quest for the Cosmic Relics - Tales from the Retro Gaming Night

Space Invaders

The barracks were unusually quiet—no alarms, no drills, no explosions. Just the soft hum of Sneaker's gnomish coffee machine and the much louder angry clicking of a tiny controller. Sneaker sat cross-legged on his bunk, squinting at a dusty old screen balanced on a crate.

“Come on, come on! Die you crappy pixelated alien spaceships!”

From across the room, Falcon looked up from polishing his energy fist.

“…Why are you shouting at a box.”

“It's a classic!” Sneaker said defensively. “Ancient human entertainment. Strategic. Deep. Merciless.”

Falcon frowned. “It looks… weak.”

Falcon frowned at the screen as it loaded.

“What is the objective.”

Sneaker pointed. “Shoot them before they reach the bottom.”

The screen filled with rows of tiny aliens.

Madman squinted. “They look… polite.”

Bomb stood up. “THEY ARE NOT.”

Sneaker took the first turn. Pew. Pew. Pew.

“Okay, okay… rhythm game with violence,” he muttered.

Outside the speakers came the slow, ominous dum… dum… dum…

Sydney tapped her foot. “That sound is threatening.”

The aliens moved faster.

Sneaker panicked. “WHY DO THEY SPEED UP WHEN THEY'RE LOOSE.”

Falcon leaned closer. “That is psychological warfare.”

Bomb pointed at the screen. “THEY ADVANCE AS ONE. COWARDS.”

In spite of his rapid firing, frequently pressing the red controller button on his console, Sneaker failed to clear the alien horde. They reached the bottom of the screen. Game over.

Bomb's turn. He held the controller like a weapon.

“I SHALL DEFEND EARTH.”

He fired wildly. Missed everything. One alien slipped through. Game over.

Bomb stared at the screen. “…IT WAS A TRICK.”

Madman patted his shoulder. “SPACE IS DECEPTIVE.”

Skull's turn. He placed his skeletal fingers carefully on the controls. The ship moved perfectly. Shots landed exactly between columns. He cleared half the screen without losing a life.

Sneaker stared. “…Why are you good at this.”

Skull calmly replied, “I am used to endless waves of enemies.”

Sneaker blinked. “Uh… creepy.”

Falcon remarked. “Efficient.”

Then Skull did something strange. He let the aliens descend… almost to the bottom.

Sneaker shrieked, “YOU'RE LETTING THEM LIVE.”

Skull answered, “Fear increases as distance decreases.”

Sydney laughed. “That's… actually true.”

Bomb raised an eyebrow. The aliens sped up. The sound turned frantic. Skull wiped them out at the last second.

Sneaker clutched his head. “YOU PLAY SPACE INVADERS LIKE A VILLAIN.”

Falcon played next. Slow. Precise. Minimal movement.

“Maintain formation,” he muttered, shooting in patterns.

He lasted longer than Bomb… but lost when the screen filled.

Falcon exhaled. “…This war cannot be flanked.”

Sneaker grinned. “Welcome to arcade despair.”

Then the flying saucer appeared at the top. Everyone shouted at once.

“SHOOT IT.” “IGNORE IT.” “IT IS PROBABLY EVIL.”

Skull hit it. 100 points. Silence.

Sneaker whispered, “…You just assassinated the commander.”

Skull sipped Sneaker's coffee. “Leadership matters.”

The next wave descended faster than ever. The sound became frantic.

Falcon stood up. “…This is not a game.”

Sneaker laughed. “It is war, but with beeping.”

Skull leaned back. “Endless enemies. No victory condition. Only delay.”

Madman smiled. “So… like us.”

Sneaker loaded the next round. “Again?”

Falcon hesitated. “…One more.”

Frogger

Sneaker held up a tiny green cartridge. “Alright. Ancient test of reflexes. Frogger.”

A pixel frog appeared at the bottom of the screen. Sneaker played first, pushing the arrow keys of his keyboard.

In the dim barracks glow, the distant roar of car engines filled the silence as Sneaker guided the pixel frog, its tiny sprite legs jittering like it desperately regretted every life choice leading to this moment.

Falcon frowned at the screen. “…You guide an animal across traffic.”

“Yes,” Sneaker said. “And a river. And turtles. And despair.”

Madman leaned in. “WHY IS THE ROAD ANGRY.”

The frog hopped forward. Immediately flattened by a truck.

Sneaker blinked. “IT WAS SAFE A SECOND AGO.”

“…I misjudged its morality.”

Sydney laughed. “The cars have no mercy.”

“These cars aren't driving. They're hunting,” Madman commented.

Sneaker tried again. Hop. Hop. Onto a log. The log carried the frog off-screen.

Sneaker screamed, “WHY IS THE FLOOR MOVING.”

Falcon observed. “Because water does not respect land.”

“I hate the river,” Sneaker remarked.

Bomb crossed his arms. “THIS GAME IS A TEST OF FAITH.”

Bomb’s turn. He moved the frog forward boldly. Straight into a bus. Explosion sound.

Bomb froze. “…THE BUS WAS POSSESSED.”

Madman cackled. “THE ROAD IS THE BOSS FIGHT.”

“This is a war with traffic rules.”

“Only a frog god could have survived that,” Sneaker groaned.

“I believe I have known one,” Falcon said.

Falcon took the controls. Precise timing. Short hops.

“Wait. Advance. Wait. Advance.”

“Discipline, frog.”

He crossed the road flawlessly.

“See?” Sneaker said. “Discipline.”

The frog jumped onto a turtle. The turtle sank. The frog drowned.

“That hop was premature,” Sydney remarked.

Falcon stared. “…The terrain betrayed me.”

Skull nodded. “You crossed without reconnaissance.”

Sneaker said, “Water is treacherous.”

Skull played. He moved slowly. Letting cars pass inches from the frog.

Sneaker panicked. “MOVE.”

Skull said calmly, “Fear increases with proximity.”

“Uhh......?”

He hopped onto a log. Then onto a crocodile’s head.

Sydney squinted. “Is that allowed?”

Skull replied, “The reptile is stationary. I respect that.”

He reached a home slot. One frog safe.

Sneaker groaned. “WHY ARE YOU GOOD AT BEING A FROG.”

Skull replied, “The frog only knows forward.”

Then the timer started blinking. Sneaker grabbed the controller back.

“FAST MODE.”

Hop hop hop— Snake. Dead.

Sneaker slammed the table. “WHY IS THERE A SNAKE.”

Falcon said, “Because nature is hostile.”

“Even reptiles face judgment,” Skull rasped.

Bomb nodded. “EVIL COMES IN MANY FORMS.”

They stared at the screen. Cars honked. Water flowed. Frogs died.

Sydney leaned back. “This is war, but with jumping laws.”

Skull sipped Sneaker’s coffee. “Existence is crossing.”

Sneaker loaded the next round. “…Again.”

“And why is my coffee mug almost empty?”

Falcon hesitated. “…One more frog.”